Candy For Twelve Year Olds

Sep 30 • By • 969 Views • 1 Comment on Candy For Twelve Year Olds Albums, Issue 09 // Oct 2012, NOR REVIEWS Tagged with •

3 .4 Funeral Beach  by  Blood Command
Released: 10/29/2012 • Label: Fysisk Format

I kinda hoped that Djerv would release a new record every two or three months just so that I could take out all the frustration I get from reading dumb bio’s or having neighbors who deserve to be shot in a spray of bullets, but instead Blood Command have filled the gap for now.

Apart from contributing heavily to the “Worlds Worst Song Titles” list that grows year by year and seems to involve healthy submissions from Norway, the band too have managed to can some of the utter bludgeoned defecation roster of Djerv’s malignant spread of disease over the world, and tried to make it more edgy. Their instruments must be suffering. Avril Lavigne meets Paramore meets shoddy Refused riffs sped up. Bloody hell.

In the male dominated world that is Hardcore, Metal, Screamo, Death, Black, Thrash, Punk, it takes a woman with serious cojones to step above and be taken seriously. One such woman who had the voice of a brutal witch was Dawn Crosby of Detente (Just click on the link if you don’t believe me ), sadly Silje Tombre is not Dawn. Her vocals have more in common with an angry Kelly Clarkson than anything more sinister. It’s honestly depressing that nobody calls them out on it. This is Evanescence with less cred.

Is it tongue in cheek to name your songs: “March of the Swan Elite”, “Death To All But Us”, “High Five For Life” ? Or do they really believe it sounds hard. There’s no denying the band members have some musical ability, as in: they can play. What they don’t have is a memorable singer who could propel the band to the aching miles of levels they need to rise in order to play us something we can take seriously.

Three people. One who listens to Refused and Meshuggah, one who loves Sigur Ros and Nightwish, one who loves Aimee Mann and Djerv all decided to form a band and keep all their influences intact. What conspired is a feeble attempt at originality that just crumbles at its foundations and exposes its nakedness far too early.

If this gets a Spelleman’s nomination then we can expect any decent band who has won it previously to melt their award down and form it into a large extended middle finger.


One Response to Candy For Twelve Year Olds

  1. I really like this song: (but they got the title wrong).

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