THE BITTER MAN’S GUIDE TO VOLBEAT

Dec 1 • By • 5538 Views • 14 Comments on THE BITTER MAN’S GUIDE TO VOLBEAT BS, Features, Issue 23 // Dec 2013

To put into context what Denmark has given the world: Beer and Bacon. Oh.. and John “Faxe” Jensen.

 Any more elaborations would simply get tangled up in opinions and lead to lengthy discussions and I absolutely hate discussions.

Enter Volbeat. Possibly the most pathetic band to ever creep from beneath the public restrooms at a Danish arse-fest. The token bands of Grunge have thankfully been left behind in a cover of anticipated dust (although Nickelback didn’t get the memo), most of them surrendered to overdoses of their drugs of choice, or now living a healthy life-style and appearing in TV Reality Shows. Besides the obvious offenders (I’m looking at you Perry Farrell), they have come to realise that their sound, and more often than not their way of singing belonged to a time gone by, and its best to just leave it there and evolve.

Denmark clearly were not invited to the International Music Awareness Conference where styles and genres were discussed at length, in which to provide clear guidelines for what is and what isn’t accepted in 2013 as a musical expression.

To even begin to explain how shit this band is would be to take the yearly deposits of fecal matter from the entire populations of China and India put together, plus their cattle and livestock, wild animals, tame animals, birds, fish in the sea, tourists, circus performers, priests, sadhus lost in mountain repose, migrating diseases and travelling merchants and add all of that to one side of “The Scale of Righteousness” and place the twats from Volbeat with their ironic Ramones T-shirts on the other side, and mark my words the shit would shift.

The Eddie Vedder-esque twang of the singers voice gives me ear-herpes, the music brings a ball-rash to my forearms, the band photos give me eye-warts. I don’t know where the world went wrong and sold these people instruments or encouraged them in their infancy with words like “You can do it guys, just try hard and believe”, “You are awesome, just keep practising”.. NO!!! ENOUGH! Stop fucking practising, stop singing, stop playing, stop touring, stop releasing your panda-ass cellophane pop records wrapped in “rock” vibes, stop thinking your’e Metallica, stop thinking you’re Rammstein, just please fucking stop everything and return to packaging sausages or whatever it was you had the brain-capacity to muster.

This kind of music is tailor made to be massive in Germany and Holland and probably Spain and Italy too. Yep, I just slammed most of Europe. Woteva.

If in any doubt of their credentials as a band, this was posted on youtube under their video! Nuff said:

“errr, im not, i repeat, not a simple man……  but… pleeezzzezee can these guys become the greatest band in the world!!!??? well ok after lady bla bla….. bla bla la bllaaaa bla. mmmmm”

If you need further proof just marvel at the Hemmingway-esque lyrics they must have spent centuries painting onto papyrus and drying in the sun for posterity:

A letter from her mother

Now dying in bed

Get on home quickly

With the medicine

No Money in her pockets

No wheels to get ahead

She grabbed her Colt 44

And….

AND WHAT? Oh the suspense is killing me. DID SHE DIE DID SHE DIE DID SHE DIE????

Cover your laptop keyboard, press play and let the projectile vomiting begin:

Comments

14 Responses to THE BITTER MAN’S GUIDE TO VOLBEAT

  1. Joe Blobby says:

    Wow… are you an angry teenager or something?

    You’ve posted no truths whatsoever about this band (They don’t want to – or actually – sound like either Rammstein or Pearl Jam) and the rest of the “review” seems like some angry kid reaching up their arse for anything to form an insult… “I HATE DIS COS THE PICS MAKE MI GET CANCER OF DER INERNETZ LULLLZ”

    take your pills son,

    • Y says:

      Joe blobby are you taylor swift in disguise. I think you are.

    • Anonymous says:

      The singer of volbeat sounds like a hound dog and a donkey that finishes every bellow by hacking up a hairball i cant believe people willingly spend money to see them id rather listen to creed and thats not saying alot

  2. ThePro says:

    This is the worst post I’ve ever read. Ever.

  3. JCRight says:

    “Volbeat” is my favorite band, I would have to disagree with what you have to say. Who wants to listen to whatever you prefer to be evolved music (exception: drama students, deaf people, pretentious loathers, you know what I mean). I would guess that you listen to Adele, or if you listen to metal….. doubt it, Trivium, The new Disturbed, I really don’t care. Pointing out that “Volbeat” is evolved, he is the evolved Elvis. Everybody has the right to their opinion; by bashing “Volbeat” as hard as you did, you bash me. All music is open to individual interpretation. People who hate Volbeat also tend to hate Nickelback, really Nickelback before Volbeat. Not saying I like them but I know people who do. Before you try to patronize them too, I just want to let you know that whatever you say (if you keep up with being pretentious and not cognizant of peers around you) will not resonate past a second of reading you’re post.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Bitter party of one. You’re an absolute moron. I’d love to see your credentials…or what gives you the right to bash this band. They’re simply fantastic and I listen to them every day. I’m extremely critical of a lot of music…although not as critical as you…and love the sound and melodies/harmonies they come up with. Send me some music you’ve wrote and performed…I mean you must have something up your sleeve to bash these guys the way you have. Go back to listening to Beyoncé or Beiber or whatever shit you enjoy. I can only wish Volbeat comes out with many more albums and evolves even more than they have so far.

  5. Scott says:

    I think volbeat is made up of the Ass drippings of a gay orgy.

  6. Charles says:

    Yeah I sAw a Volbeat song transcribed in guitar world and thought to myself,” what the fuck?,” so I looked them up on YouTube and with a mixture of hysteria and horror realized that I had found the latest band to cater to 12 year old boys with an artless faux-rock swagger and a label and management team that surely dresses them, writes and produces their shit through tried and true focus group feedback, and manufactures their image to appeal to their target demographic. It’s ok if you like them, just don’t claim to have taste. I’m not saying good taste or bad taste, I’m just saying any taste. If you like this music, you are either tone deaf, illiterate, or a 10-14 year old boy who will grow out of it. By the way, if you want adolescent goofy rock, try Bon Scott era AC/DC. They did it better, and actually had a sense of humor.

    • ….he speaks Truth! nobody who is thought of as musically inclined, honestly thinks volbeat is an even remotely “talented or artistic” band..its obviously packaged for the masses, but dont expect the masses to understand what youre talking about when you say they suck because its meant for them …you know the ones..the ones that wear music only as an accessory , like a badge so their other moronic friends can recognize them… from the other kids listening to lil whoevers of the rap industry or whatever redneck is pluckin his banjo at the moment..one last thing …its not rock music its not metal..lol not even close…its pop but the fans will never admit it.

  7. Roadie says:

    And yet another dumbass opinion. Just listen to the music and stop analyzing. Baba is it? Lol.

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