A Satanic 7-Step Plan

Nov 9 • By • 835 Views • No Comments on A Satanic 7-Step Plan 2014, BS, COLUMNS, EDITORS´ PICKS, Features, Issue 34 // Nov 2014, Stoner Fashionista

Å fy faen her var det dritt”, was my first thought November 1st as I looked out the airplane window to get the first glimpse of Norway after having stayed on the west coast (California) for just shy of 2 weeks. The colors were not …there. It was rainy, the fog was heavy and thick, it was just above freezing. If you’ve ever experienced weather, you know that’s cold.

My first thought translates to something like “Well this place sucks major balls”, or perhaps as a white valley girl would’ve put it: “I literally can’t even”. Because, yeah, I know what’s coming.

November in Norway is no joke. Winter depression is real. It’s cold and snow/rainy, and you don’t see the sun. We literally won’t see the sun till maybe March, more likely April. Even if you have a very special day to day life that allows you to be outside the few couple of hours in the middle of the day when the sun is actually up, it’s mostly overcast. All winter. Try 5 months without sunlight you positive piece of shit and see how fucking giddy you get.

I have arms and legs, I have food and shelter, I have wifi, still, shit just got real. And shit is tough.

 If you  like me, find yourself living above the 60N latitude circle this time of year or the next 5 months, you need a solid strategy. I made one for you.

So here you go:

The Stoner Fashionista’s Satanic 7-Step Plan to Forget you Live in Norway



Step 1 – Drink to forget

This is not the time to have a white month, stupid, this is when you really wanna loose yourself in a bottle of Cahors. Or anything. Beer is fancy now, so you can do that too and still keep your movember hipster image. Turn to liquor if you really wanna be effective. If you have a job that requires you to get up in the morning, I recommend white liquor over brown and black, it’s a little easier on the hangover.

Actually, go all out. Do you have some sleeping pills left from your travels? excellent. Valium too? Perfect. Pop those pills.
– Do you have a friend with an ADHD diagnose? Hit him up, invite yourself for dinner, distract him and steal all his drugs. Speed is really fucked up for people who shouldn’t eat it.

– Did you stock up on nyQuil and dayQuil in the states? Perfect, chug that cough medicine. 

Becoming a drug addict does require some effort, but once you’re there you can escape life in an endless haze, and this might help make you forget you live Norway. Very convenient.

Step 2 – Smoke to escape & die faster



Suck on that tobacco stick, fill your lungs with tar and feel life leaving you faster.
 You can pretend you’re a sexy Parisian girl while smoking, and hate yourself when you realize you’re not.

Smoking is really addictive, so your weak brain will tell you when you need another cigarette, no need to put it in your calendar or put on alarms or anything. If you wanna keep your fingers though, get some gloves. If you’re a fellow Norwegian, you know the time when you can walk around outside with bare hands is over.

Step 3 – Sleep to pass time



Look to our friends, the animals, and become a cat. They sleep like 18 hours a day and so should you. This way you will be in dreamland for longer than you’re actually awake. That means dreams are more real for you than real life now. That means you have to start taking your dreams seriously and treat them as if they’re real. The bonus is that you can start treating real life as a dream and you don’t have to take anything in the “real life” seriously anymore. The next time you go to sleep you can meet cats and people in your dream and be like, “dude, I had the weirdest real life experience breh, I was like naked at work and then I got fired, oh well, it was just real life”.

Step 4 – Yoga to get skinny



You have to understand, this is not about health, this is about intense self hating, with the benefit of perhaps getting limber, you lazy Oslonian.

Self hating may be the most effective pass time, so listen closely; Deciding to get skinny will take up all your time, basically you won’t have time for anything else, and if we’re to believe all statistics and psychologists ever, you WILL fail and hate yourself more, perfect.

First of all make sure you’re good and fat, then go try on pants at Acne Jeans. Look yourself in the mirror and throw up all over the fitting room over your own reflection. Actually try to get a real eating disorder, its not that hard, just start following a bunch of fitness hoes and models on Instagram, obsess over them a lot and then look yourself in the mirror, a lot. 

Start an unhealthy habit of going to hot bikram yoga EVERY SINGLE DAY. Make sure to set your goal of going X days in a row too high so you’ll fail.

Now you have an eating disorder and a really time consuming habit of self hate you can use to pass time and help forget you live in Norway.



Step 5 – Scare the shit out of yourself

Make sure you get yourself hooked on a really scary series like American Horror Story. Watch it home alone in the big empty house you live in. 
Leave all curtains open and dwell on the fact that it’s pitch black outside and that anyone and anything could be out there (sundown is at 4pm right now and it will get darker still). 
Pay close attention to sounds in the house. Look behind you. Force your cat to sit with you and watch another episode.

Now you’re scared shitless and can’t go to sleep although all you want to do is go to sleep. Also watch another episode even thought you should have gone to bed 2 hours ago.

This is a very effective way of giving yourself some serious sleep deprivation, and as it’s hard enough as it is to stay awake during the day when it’s dark all the time, you can now spend your days just longing for your sweet sweet pillow and that duck feather cover. By this time you don’t really have time to dwell on the fact that you live in Norway.



Step 6 – Bury yourself in work



Take on waaay to much responsibility. Make sure you work at least 160%. Take another job if you have to. Sign up for some classes at the university. But make sure you distract yourself A LOT, for example by writing this article. This way you can make sure you always feel guilty for doing any other activity than your obligations, and you can spend time feeling like a worthless human. – Gives less time to remember you live in Norway.

In an effort to get things done, neglect you friends. This will keep you busy feeling bad. Continue neglecting them and eventually loose them completely. Neglect your boyfriend. Loose him too. Lock doors and windows, keep to yourself. Don’t fucking smile, don’t look at anyone.

This way you’ll be able to swim in your own loneliness, and if you keep just staying in your own brain with minimal stimuli from other people, eventually you’ll go mad, and maybe you’ll actually forget you live in Norway because the the concept of time doesn’t apply to you anymore and you can’t even remember your name.

Step 7 – Indulge in darkness



Listen to Obliteration and Aura Noir and just bask in Norwegian black metal darkness. This kind of music does after all capture the dark dark Norwegian soul perfectly. Dwell on the evil ways of mankind. When the satanic melodies becomes to much to bare, put on some Poison idea. Think about your life. What did you do that matters after all?

If you’re more the reading type, read History of Bestiality (Bestialitetens historie), the trilogy by Norwegian dead author Jens Bjørneboe right now. If that doesn’t give you an instant depression, you are Josef Mengele.

Now you’re either so cynical or so depressed that remembering that you live in Norway is kind of out of your scope.

***

And that’s it! Follow these 7 easy steps and you’ll find yourself on the path to forgetting you live in Norway!

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel though. HAHAHA! jk. It’s not. Because you live in Norway, son. There is no end to the circle of darkness, it’s just that you get a tantalizing taste what not living in the cold and darkness is for like for MAYBE 2 weeks a year during summer. Unless it rains those weeks.
6 months of suffering will repeat itself in a endless circle till you die and the sun burns up.

Namaste bitches.

>:)

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